It goes back to my heartache. I failed planting a church. Let's just get that out of the way. I am hurting. I am in pain. I feel abandoned by my best friends of the past six and a half years. I feel like a complete and total failure. Now that this is established we can discuss how this relates to everything else.
The heartache I am experiencing prompts me to yearn for something. I need to find my identity in something. I need to pour my life into something. Now I always have a heart to know the Lord more and to spend time with him. That is nonnegotiable. But when the church crumbled I needed to spend my time doing something more to provide for the family, therefore I decided to pour more time into our real estate business. I took on that cause for our family. I mean, if I can't pastor the church I started then maybe I can work hard to be a great provider for Karis and Hank, right?
Wrong. It seems like the harder I work the worse our business produces. The more consistent I am marketing and working the business the less busy we are with people who need to buy and sell houses. When I came to this realization I was simply crushed. Why? Why do I fail at everything I try to do with all my heart?
I spent about a day and a half just whipped by life. I hurt and felt like an absolute loser. But last night while we were on our way home from Oklahoma I came to a realization. I was driving, just watching the road come at me at 70 mph. My mind was racing through why God would allow me to endure failure after failure when I realized something. When I fail I lose hope in what I was attempting. I find one more thing that will not satisfy. Yes, it is painful. Yes, it crushes me. But it also teaches me.
My hope is not being a pastor. My hope is not being a realtor. My hope was never in being a baseball player. My hope is built in nothing less that Jesus's blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame than wholely lean on Jesus' name.
My failures should drive me closer and closer to the Lord as my only hope in this life. He is it. There is no other. I know this because I failed at everything else. Nothing else satisfies my soul. Nothing else brings joy and meaning to life.
Strangely, failure can be a blessing. Failure teaches you what success may not. While experiencing success it is tempting to keep success as paramount in your life. Success can prop you up temporarily. Success can exist as a barrier between you and complete dependance on the Lord your God.
It's over for me. I have nothing else that tempts me. I have tried it all. I pray nothing else ever does. I will simply do the best I can and leave it up to the Lord how he provides. I can do nothing to cause success. The more I try the more I fail.
I will worship the Lord. I will enjoy his presence. I will love him. I will enjoy him. And I will do this forever. Joy in the Lord is better than any worldly success anyway.
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